You Are The Trainer
Last month I visited my youngest sister and her family in the suburbs of Chicago. I was in town to celebrate my niece’s high school graduation and attend her party, which was held at their home. They recently adopted a new puppy. As with all young dogs, it needed to be trained; where to go to the bathroom, how to calmly greet people, etc. So, these puppy owners have been diligently working to help this new addition acclimate. They’ve taken her to some classes in an effort to help in this process. The day we arrived she had just come back from training. The new task learned that day was to keep her from jumping up on people as she greets them. I can understand why this would be hard for a young animal, especially when there is so much excitement and energy in the room. Because I did not want to be a jumping bag target for her, I joined in the choir of saying “Off” (truthfully, I kept saying “down” but the command was “off,” so I also had to be trained! HA!) To everyone’s credit, including the pup, it seemed to be working as her impulse to jump up improved. We were teaching her how we wanted to be greeted.
Interestingly, right before that weekend trip, I was in two different conversations that were similar in theme although they were about training people. In both discussions, we were talking about the need to set boundaries and to communicate with others about how we want to be treated.
In one case, someone I care for was misrepresented in a large group text. The sender of the text chalked it up as a joke but in reality, it wasn’t funny and was hurtful to the recipient of the jab. In my fight for justice, I got ramped up and went to battle to defend the “victim.” Some of my strategies and tactics worked and others did not. It escalated the situation and became a point of focus and numerous conversations for several days. Even though I could have handled the whole situation better, I stand firm on my conviction that wrong doings should be addressed, acknowledged, and resolved, otherwise the behaviors and hurt can persist (and in some cases expand). You teach people how they can treat you.
To me this is an important concept to consider as we prioritize our own self-care and well-being. How do we let others treat us? Do we accept disrespect? Do we let people take advantage of us? Do we shrug off wrongdoings or hurtful comments? I believe over time these interactions take their toll. They can beat us down, wear away our sense of self-worth and infringe on any positive image we have of ourselves. The picture it conjures up for me is that of leaking water that over time erodes the solid material it is impacting. I’ve noticed that for some in my circle it is challenging to “call out” these occurrences. They second-guess, they offer excuses for the other person, they rationalize and also maybe subtly feel they are deserving of whatever lashing out or hurt they’ve experienced. Perhaps thinking, “Well, maybe I don’t truly deserve to be acknowledged or considered because I’ve done XYZ in the past.” Or “I don’t want to make this a big deal and show it hurt my feelings, that may make me look weak.” Or “My feelings don’t matter.” Or “This other person’s feelings/wants matter more than mine.” NO!! STOP!! Your feelings matter! Your needs/wants/desires matter! You deserve to feel respected/cared for/acknowledged/considered…! It’s ok to say what you need/want/feel. It’s necessary to share when you are hurt. Although how we do all of that is also important. I know sometimes the pendulum can swing to the other side and people snap quickly at every small infraction. Those types of strong reactions tend to blow up and make matters worse. That can be a way to get your point across but not necessarily the most effective, engaging, or endearing approach and it rarely brings about resolution easily. My recommendation is to use honesty and “I” statements. For example, “I feel hurt by what you said.” “I was hoping for something different.” I have also found that asking questions to gain understanding of the other person’s perspective helps too. “Can you help me understand why….?” I firmly believe that we have to use our voice graciously and patiently with those around us, to teach them how we want (and deserve) to be treated. If we can teach a new dog new tricks maybe we can teach them to “mature dogs” as well!