You Have a Choice
As in most close relationships, my best friend and I have numerous inside jokes. Small statements like “What’s that?” or “Thanks for coming” between the two of us trigger memories from experiences we’ve shared and bring laughter. Another shared statement is “you have a choice”. This isn’t one of levity per se but a helpful reminder that we have power.
For decades of my life, I didn’t feel enabled to make my own choices. I felt relegated to others’ expectations of me. I would automatically default to act according to what they wanted or needed from me. I would set myself aside for whoever was in front of me and had a request. So much so that I consistently had no idea, nor could I even acknowledge what my own wants or needs were. I definitely did not feel empowered to speak up or make a choice on my own behalf.
However, there was one particular instance that began to change all of that. My best friend and I were with a group of people and someone suggested we do something that I wasn’t necessarily interested in doing. I was vacillating between not wanting to participate but also not wanting to hurt other people’s feelings. She could tell by my expression I was struggling internally. She leaned over to me and quietly said, “You have a choice”. For whatever reason in that moment that statement of truth and power, resonated. I heard her, I got it. I opted out of joining in and felt invigorated. I stood up for myself. It was a unique feeling but one I enjoyed. Since that time, I began to exercise that muscle, build my strength to make my own choices, choices that aligned with me. With each occasion to practice that skill, I get stronger and more self-assured. I still choose to help others as much as I can but try to tune into ensuring when I do it isn’t at the expense of my own wellness.
Recently, I’ve encountered a couple opportunities to share this learning with people in my life. When working in the field of education, the Fall is known as conference season. Thus, I was able to reconnect with friends in person that I don’t see on a regular basis. As we spent time catching up, in many of those conversations my friend would share their frustration with their current professional role. I would listen to their valid concerns, lack of support, resources, appreciation, time, guidance. I could also hear their desire to continue in the field because of their passion, commitment to young people and making a difference in the world. Each one works tirelessly (or probably more accurately “tiredly”) to have an impact. Many of them long for bigger, better positions to have a greater reach yet feel stymied by “the system” and local “politics”. It was hard to hear how disheartened they are. In each of those conversations I found myself telling them, “You have a choice”. In one situation, my friend needed to be reminded, they have a choice and can set some boundaries, so they aren’t taken advantage of as they overcompensate for others’ shortcomings or inaction. It can be hard to decipher where to draw lines sometimes. A dear friend recently said, “You encourage what you tolerate.” That struck me. She is right, if we allow people to carry on with “bad behavior” it only encourages them to continue that way. Another friend has a choice to advocate for a new position with the person over them, in hopes it would bring greater job satisfaction. And still another has a choice to find another place of employment that would potentially better fit their skillset. In all of these interactions I believe we left feeling lighter, more hopeful and encouraged to know we have a choice to make things better for ourselves, which I am convinced ultimately makes things better for those around us.
These interactions served as a good reminder for me, not only in how much I’ve grown in this area, but the work I still have to do as I develop this skill. Every day we are faced with choices, some are mundane like what to wear (although that can be a stressor too sometimes, if you are anything like me) or what to eat. Others can be a bit more challenging like how to respond in a situation or what does my professional future look like. Regardless of the degree of difficulty in the choices you face, my encouragement to you (and myself) is to remember you have a choice and it is in your best interest as often as possible to choose yourself.
