Hopeful New Year

I have a real love/hate relationship with Michigan. I absolutely adore Michigan from May through September. Subsequently, I absolutely abhor it December through February/March. (The other months I tolerate.) I have to really keep my crabbiness in check during the winter because I truly dislike being cold and all the implications that come with it. If I’m not on guard, I could become very whiney. No one wants that, including me?! Thus imagine my potential demeanor when for most of us across the continental United States, there was a winter storm for days right at the beginning of the holiday break. It would be realistic to think that after having lived in a mid-west state for over 30 years that I would be used to wintry conditions. And the truth is I am. I know the preparations that are required to ensure a successful hunkering down commences. And I’ve become very good at it. I learned through COVID that I’m actually very happy being forced to stay home. In fact, I don’t mind the bad weather as long as I don’t have to be out in it.  A realization I’ve recently come to as well, is that one of my issues with winter is contending with the driving conditions. I can drive on snow covered, icy roads, I just don’t like to. I believe that is a common feeling, but I know people who don’t seem to mind it. Bad roads don’t deter them from carrying on with their day-to-day activities. They are still fine to run errands or go to the gym and to be out and about. For some reason I’m missing that gene.

There have been a couple of occasions in the last several weeks that forced me to be on the roads in those wintry conditions. I was not happy. I have enough self-awareness (which is good since I train on that competency frequently) to know how I was feeling. I had to do a lot of mental gymnastics to get myself to a place of acceptance and peace. “It’s ok to go slow, you will be fine”. “All will be well”. Ultimately, what I experience in those moments is fear. I’m afraid of getting hit, hurt, and/or stuck, in that order. I don’t like to be or feel out of control. I hate when other drivers fly past me as I’m inching my way forward ever so slowly, splashing slush on top of me. I get irritated when I’m tailgated by people who want me to go faster, or impatient when stuck behind someone who’s maybe going slower than necessary (except for to them, so I try not to judge). I worry about loved ones when they are on the road in those instances too. And I don’t think I’m alone in that. It may not necessarily be on the road in the snow and ice, perhaps it shows itself in other situations for you.

I saw my fearfulness rear its ugly head in another situation. There was some transition happening in a work scenario in which I’m involved. Things felt unsettled and fluid. It was unclear how I could contribute meaningfully in the new set-up. I got negative, insecure, and reserved. That’s my defense mechanism when I don’t feel safe or protected. I become self-shielding and insular. I don’t like being like that. It doesn’t feel authentic to who I really am or aspire to be. Fortunately, I was able to candidly process my actions with a trusted colleague and do some more self-reflection to get to the heart of the matter. Fear. 

I am the kind of person that wants to make a difference. I want to impact the world for good. I want to leave things better than how I found them. I’m confident that many (all) of you reading this feel the same way. That is typically the type of person that chooses a career in a field such as we did. I can imagine that there are times when you may feel out of control. That you are forced to go slower (or faster) than you’d prefer. When it feels as someone may “crash” into you, take over your lane or throw something into your line of sight. You may be in a time of transition as well, feeling unsettled or uncertain about the future. The unknown can be scary.

What helped me through my own little personal winter storm, was to name it, to get humble, vulnerable and call it was it is, fear. It felt freeing to say, “I’ve been afraid.” Or “I am afraid.” Just like I have to do while driving in inclement weather, I have to slow down, get self-aware and come to a place of peace and acceptance. “All will be well”. The universe underlined this for me when the very next day after my fearful wrestling I saw a quote that said, “Hope is stronger than fear”. My friends as we start a new year, let’s hold onto hope as it is stronger than fear. That is my hope for you (& me). Happy New Year!

Leave It!

Growing up, my family had cats as pets. We weren’t really dog people. But as we got older, my dad decided he preferred dogs. And so, for a while my parents had both. I surprised myself when I later allowed my children (which meant me I eventually realized) to get a dog. I have many friends who have dogs (and cats for that matter). Most of my friends and family have at least one or the other. Regardless, I have always been impressed by people who have well-trained pets (and when I say pets, I mean dogs because we know most often cats do what they want, but I don’t want to disparage those who have well-trained cats. Especially since that is quite a feat).

I know people whose dogs not only obey simple rules, like “come”, “sit”, “stay”, but who can also do tricks, “shake”, “roll over”, “drop it”, etc. I never had a dog that could do that, I was just happy for them to do the basics, and even then, that was a challenge depending on the dog. One of the most impressive accomplishments I’ve witnessed is when the owner puts some type of treat on the ground and has the dog wait patiently to retrieve it, using the command “leave it”. Not only am I’m floored that the animal displays such self-control, but I also feel squeamish and impatient for the dog, thinking “come on, let them have it”.

At the risk of sounding dehumanizing, I’ve found myself using that same technique internally over worries I’ve carried. Many times, in the last couple of weeks, I have said to myself, “Lauren, leave it!” This approach not only makes me chuckle a little, but it’s become a good simple reminder to stop, or let something go, or to just move on.  I have a habit of perseverating on things.  Maybe you do too. Some things are more important and potentially worthy of “perseveration” or at least contemplation. Others not so much. Yet I find that a lot of brain power and energy can be consumed by over-ruminating. I’m in no way advocating that we don’t take time to process or consider important decisions, I am however encouraging us to determine what areas deserve that much headspace.

Maybe it would be easier if we had a delicious treat waiting to reward us for our determination, patience and/or self-control. I would argue that there is a reward to learning to “leave it”. It may not be Milkbone (ha! No thanks) but it could be a sense of freedom, relief, resolve, peace and/or extra time and space to do something else more enjoyable. That has been my experience with this practice. I’ve sensed many of those listed above, feeling lighter, less anxious. And just like with our four-legged friends, who need to practice the skill to perfect it, I have to do that too. It’s like a muscle I must regularly work, to remind myself to “leave it”. There have been plenty of opportunities to practice and build that muscle this month. Insecurities and my ego have shown up in ways I haven’t felt for some time. Those insecurities were ugly and unwanted, but they were persistent. I had to pay attention and intentionally choose to stop, sit, shake, and drop it. If our furry friends can do it, then I can too!

Some things were easier to release than others. Some days I didn’t need constant reminders and could “let go” on the first command. Other days I had to repeat the words to myself over and over until I could move on. It’s all part of the evolution process as we work to grow in our graciousness with ourselves, just like we would do with our pet. Celebrate the progress and overlook any missteps, trying again with full confidence the next time and the next time.

I hope as we end this year, reflecting on all the ups and downs, that we can celebrate our growth, the steps forward we made in our journey towards our personal well-being. And that we can acknowledge areas for improvement with grace, courage and resolve to keep at it, practicing the skills we’ve developed this year to be better for ourselves and those around us. Just like our love for our non-human family members is unconditional, give that to yourself as well. Take the good forward with you into the new year. As far as any of those pesky heavy energy sucking detractors, just leave it and savor the treat that awaits you.

Keep it Simple

One of my favorite pastimes at the end of a long workday is to watch “fun” TV. I’ll surf around and find video clips on YouTube, or I’ll indulge in a Rom Com movie (that’s all this social worker can handle these days= Fluff). However, unlike me, I got sucked into the Welcome to Wrexham series, about the football (soccer) club that Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenny purchased recently. It was heartwarming and funny and inspirational. I loved it and looked forward to the next episodes once they were available. Therefore, imagine my dismay when I log into the streaming service on my TV one October evening to get this notification “This service is no longer accessible on this device.” What?! Wait?! I haven’t finished the series!! So, after making several calls, first to my internet customer service then to the actual streaming service customer care, I learn that due to the age of my TV I could no longer stream that particular service. After all the back and forth, the bottom line was, I needed a new TV. And the truth is it was definitely time. My current TV worked fine but it was not a smart TV and therefore had its limitations. It was easy to get a new one, I picked it out quickly at the store, after doing some research, purchased it and was on my way! Easy! Simple! But then came the complication of getting it mounted. Would the bracket fit? Who could lift it up for me and secure it? After more calls and asks around a friend graciously assisted, and I was back in action after a couple of days. Not too difficult a task overall but also not as simple as I had hoped.

However, it was not lost on me that one simple thing, like wanting to finish a show, morphed into a week-long series of events; have an issue, figure out the issue, talk about the issue, explore resolutions to the issue, and finally resolve the issue (and then get it hung up and set up). I lamented to my sister, “why can’t things just be simple?” It can feel like one simple thing pops up but as it unfolds it can lead to other issues that make things not so simple. Sometimes each step can be easy to traverse but not always. Now granted this is a “first world” issue and there are much more difficult things happening in the world (& even in my own world), but you get the point. Because not only does that domino effect happen with home ownership, but I notice it professionally as well. One meeting or one conversation can trigger something else, which ends up opening Pandora’s box. Sometimes, that happens organically (and is necessary) and other times we can manufacture complications (that maybe aren’t so necessary). Those are the moments of which I’m becoming more aware.

Are we making things harder on ourselves thanthey need to be? And if, so why? I’m all for going above and beyond when it makes sense and is reasonable and feasible. But there are occasions when the basics are sufficient. Please don’t infer I’m promoting “quiet quitting” because, I’m not. I think we need to be forthcoming and intentional about where we draw lines and establish boundaries. Are there tasks we don’t need to do when work life is so harried? Are there deadlines that can wait? Are all the things we think are so urgent really that urgent? What happens if we don’t get it all done? Is that, ok?

It seems like we get so caught up in the rat race that we lose sight of what we are really doing. Things can be so busy that it’s sometimes easier to just keep going with the flow than taking the time to stop the flow and examine it. Why is it flowing so fast? Is there a way to slow the flow? (See what I did there with “slow”).

I noticed with a colleague this week that she did just that. There was a problem heating up to a boiling point. An emergency meeting was called. In those situations, my tendency is to want to run fast to the problem and turn down the heat. HURRY before it gets worse! Yet there she was, calmly stating that “Yes, we will resolve the issue but with a thoughtful and intentional strategic approach”. She is committed to still addressing it but not reacting to it. I was impressed! She and I had a good conversation the next day about that whole meeting and the way in which she responded, what I took away from it and then our commitment to “slow the flow”. We determined moving at an ongoing breakneck pace is not sustainable. It’s not healthy and quite honestly, I don’t think it’s necessary. Perhaps there are some occasions that call for speed and quickness in responding but I don’t think that is always the case. I am going to really work to monitor myself and help others to do the same. No need to over complicate or add extra. Pace yourself, be intentional, thoughtful, and protective of your own health and well-being. Others are watching and can be inspired by your example.

 Keep it simple, sweetheart! 

Dream Job

Anyone who knows me, even remotely, knows I love a good Target run! And anecdotally I know I am not the only one. In fact, I think I vaguely remember seeing someone wearing a t-shirt that said something to that effect recently. There is something about pushing that big red cart around the various sections of the store, scouring through the clearance, and checking each of the end caps looking for deals that brings peace, and maybe even a sense of victory or accomplishment. (“Look! I got this for $xx on clearance”). I even recall years ago (nearly 20 years now) when my youngest was merely months old, I escaped to Target, leaving her and her toddler brother in their father’s care. I’m confident I looked like some wayward woman as I slowly sauntered through each aisle unshowered, with a glossed over stare and in my sweatpants and slippers (I didn’t even have the wherewithal to put on shoes!). Regardless of how untethered I appeared (was) I remember the feeling of freedom and renewal I felt being ALONE in that store. It was (is) a safe haven. It’s a go-to when I need a get-away. (Each trip costs about the same as a vacation…not really, but I typically don’t leave there for less than $75. So, I have to be planful and careful.)

Thus, it came as no surprise to many when I recently began joking that I was going to leave my current employment and begin anew at Target. I had just come off the typical flurry of back-to-school professional development events and travel. Things settled down during the first week of school which provides me and my colleagues time to catch up on actual work before things get rolling again. And boy did they get rolling again. That next week it was off to the races. I believe this is due in part to the large amount of funding being offered to schools to support the mental health needs of staff and students. The need is great and the desire to meet that need is equally great. I’m delighted and impressed by the commitment of so many school leaders to prioritize this important (essential) contributor to school success. Considering all the learning loss that has occurred over the last couple of years, it would be easy to solely focus on academics and pushing to make up for lost time. However, embracing the whole child and remembering the humanity of each person in the building will only ensure greater achievements.

Because of that realigned commitment, things are busy for this school mental health consultant and her small but mighty group of colleagues. There were meetings on top of meetings, often overlapping one another. There were days we were left with our heads spinning and our to do list growing. You could feel things getting heavier as the week progressed. In times like that, when it feels like there is a fine line between laughter and tears, I attempt to find the laughter. It’s a coping strategy for me, to lighten the mood with humor. So, I started sharing my fantasy about working in the stockroom at Target. I imagine the quiet bliss of counting inventory alone in the back. “We have 57 pairs of black flats, 63 pairs of taupe ones.” Putting clearance stickers on out of season clothing, to bring others joy when they find the deal of the day, sounds heavenly. (Please note, my daughter works in retail, so I am very clear it is not all sunshine and rainbows). But the idea of hiding in the backroom with merchandise sounds good to me on days like that. We all got a chuckle out of that image and others shared what their dream escape job would be. Some agreed about Target or other retailers, others said working in a flower shop or a library. As committed as we are to the work we do, it was fun to step away for a moment and imagine a different type of living.

What I loved the most was when someone from a regional district, who I don’t work with daily, texted me after work one night and said “Today was definitely a day that I thought about hanging it up and going to work at Target. Thank you for the reminder that it’s OK to have these thoughts and then start over the next day. It’s an important message in this dysfunctional education machine, we just have to keep trying.” Friends, the work we do is hard. It’s invaluable but also draining and exhausting. It’s ok to call that out. To be honest and vulnerable. Look for the humor, find your people to cry and/or laugh with and then keep on trying. We have a dream job, helping each other stay strong while molding the next generation to become all they are meant to be. And when you need a break, know it’s OK, and I’ll be happy to meet you at Target!

Teacher Talk

I have just returned from three weeks on the road, traveling to various communities to participate in their “Back to School” professional development kickoff events. I keynoted at a few district-level sessions and then had some more intimate school-level opportunities as well. Overall, I think I got to interact with at least 1000 educators, mostly teachers but also other classroom and building support professionals. By the end, I was physically drained, ready to be home and to sit quietly. However, I was also internally energized and encouraged by the spirit of the people with whom I’d been in contact. It’s obvious how difficult these last few years have been on everyone, but there is no debating that educators (and students) are some who have had it hardest. And yet, while we’ve lost some good ones (our national teacher shortage is dire) there are many who are continuing to stay in the game. I was honored to spend time with them, shower them with love, acknowledgement, validation, and hopefully some optimism. It’s hard to be resilient and stay hopeful, yet I sense we are starting to see the human side of everyone in the school. It’s not a fast change, things usually aren’t, but I believe that we can get bit by bit, step by step. Here are some of the observations that filled my spirit and gave me courage during my travels.

You can immediately feel the energy of a building when you first enter it. Right away, one notices the aesthetic, what messages are posted, what and how many colors are used, these can all set a scene. Most of the buildings I was in were sparkling clean (or still in the process). You could tell people had been working hard (or some I saw still working hard) during the hot summer months to get ready, putting their best foot forward to welcome in the students and their families. It makes a difference. The quality of the physical environment demonstrates the value placed on those in its space. Next is how you are greeted, not only by the front office staff but by anyone with whom you come in contact. I can instantly think of vibe of each event I attended. One in particular where the music, laughter, cheering was so loud I could hear it from outside the building. That staff was having a blast! (I also thought, how am I going to top this?! But I just joined in the fun!) Another building I was greeted at the front door by the high school administrator who was dressed head to toe in mix matched Hawaiian print as part of their “Back to School” luau. The warm, fun, and friendly vibes matter. It sets the tone and it’s contagious. Remember the energy we extend is the energy that comes back.

Another take away was the humility of the school leaders. They are tired too! And all of those with whom I interacted are concerned about the well-being of their staff. One Superintendent, during the lunch break vulnerably shared his story and asked what he could do to support his team. It was a heartsy, rich conversation that inspired me. Another building leader sat tearfully during the session reflecting on how hard things have been and the desire to protect her team, wrapping her arms around each of them. Which leads to my final observation.

Educators need one another. There’s a unique bond that happens between people who have been through traumatic experiences together. Think of people like the first responders to 9-11 or veterans. There’s a unique camaraderie, a familiarity, and a recognition. I noticed that with this group of professionals too in each location. They ensured everyone was included or acknowledged. There were fun playful jabs at one another during our activities. There was a sense of community and support. I have always believed we need each other, but I’m more convinced than ever before that it’s essential. For us to continue to forge ahead in the pursuit of educating our next generation while contending with all the chaos that ensues around us, we need to lean on one another.

To that end, along with my colleague and friend, Living S.L.O.W. is launching Teacher Talk virtual support groups. They will take place, for an hour, every other week. You pick either a Tuesday or Thursday session to attend. It will be a safe space for educators to share their experiences, emotions, successes, or even opportunities for growth in a supportive environment. We hope you’ll join us so you can feel loved, supported, and inspired to carry that into your building and into the new school year. Take care of you! You deserve it!

Euro Worth It!

I was fortunate enough to have the opportunity to visit Greece in June. I went with my mom for a 10-day Greek Island Hopper adventure. When asked, I say, “It was the trip of a lifetime, and I can’t wait to go back.” In truth, I contemplated how I could stay there and work remotely. I loved the energy and the vibe of the people. Someone coined it “the good will of the people”. That describes it perfectly. They were people of good-will for sure. Besides the lovely locals, the views were spectacular. At every turn we would ooh and ahh at the crispness of the white buildings among the backdrop of the mountain or volcano upon which they were built. (We also oohed and ahhed at all the yachts in the harbors too!) Exploring the history of ancient ruins and realizing the ingenuity of people all those MANY years ago. It was amazing! Again, the trip of a lifetime.

Besides the highlights mentioned above; breathtaking scenery and the positive energy of the Greeks, it was also a gift to unplug, totally and completely for nearly 2 weeks. I can not remember the last time I’ve done that. Don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely unplugged for a few days here and there, but not for ten!?! There is something to be said for stepping away from work to that extent. To be honest, I definitely had pangs of guilt or curiosity about what I was missing back home and if I was “needed” or “neglecting” responsibilities therefore burdening others who were left to pick up the slack. But overall, I chose to enjoy the moments, relish in the freedom, and trust that everything was and would be just fine. And you know what, I came back refreshed (and infected with COVID) and everything was just fine. I was able to reacclimate and jump right back into the fray (albeit a bit slower no thanks to “the Vid”) but life cycles on, just like getting back on the bike.

Furthermore, we went with a tour group and subsequently made many new friends while we all experienced life in a different country together. There were a couple of families in our group, celebrating graduations. And then several pairs of ladies who were there with their sister or childhood best friend. We ended up becoming our own little clique the 8 of us, not to the exclusion of others. We would all mix and mingle but more often than not we found ourselves sitting together for meals. We enjoyed our new experiences together, learning, laughing, sight-seeing, eating, photographing, and shopping. In each city there were opportunities to spend our euros on souvenirs and other trinkets to commemorate our time there. What struck me as I observed my new compatriots milling around the little shops, was how eager they were to buy for others but hesitant to get anything for themselves. That is common, especially for women who are often socialized to put others above themselves. I know I’ve been (am) guilty of that too at times. I found myself encouraging several of my new friends to also treat themselves. They would say, “I love this ring, but I really shouldn’t get it.” Mind you these items were not very expensive. You could see the internal struggle taking place. In all honesty, I can also be frugal (which at times is a blessing) and I can see the point of debate “Well I got to take this trip so that’s my gift”. Which is a legitimate argument. However, if this purchase is going to bring you joy (and not harm) then why not?! Spend those euros! You (Euro) worth it! After much deliberation all of them got something special to bring home as a reminder of a place we left part of our hearts. And none of them regretted it and in fact were beaming to show off their purchases.

What does all of this vacation recapping have to do with self-care? Glad you asked. I share all of this to first encourage (nay, implore) you to visit Greece sometime in your lifetime. You must go! (I’ll go with you!) Secondly, to remind you the value of stepping away. Typically, educators get the summer months off (some more than others), but it is vital that you allow yourself to completely unplug. Give yourself permission to ignore those pangs to pull you back in. You owe it to yourself and those you work with to get refreshed. And then finally, spend the money! Be responsible but find something that makes you happy and get it. It’s ok to spoil yourself from time to time! Spending money doesn’t HAVE to be part of self-care but finding things that make you happy definitely does. You (Euro) are worth it!

New Year Resolution in July?

(Greetings from Greece-heading back to the US today after a trip of a lifetime. More on that in next month’s blog)

As I shared in my last blog post, May was a challenging month for me as I grieved some significant personal losses, prompting a time of self-reflection. Thinking back on cherished memories with loved ones who are no longer with me brings pangs of pain or smiles of solace (depending on how I’m feeling at the time) as I reminisce. That was my “vibe” as I headed into June, which happens to be my birthday month, feeling my feelings and processing them. On my actual birthday I was able to spend some quiet time alone in the morning, which provided me the chance to journal about my last year of life and anticipate my own personal “New Year”. I spent time contemplating and capturing important life lessons of the last year. Each experience contributes towards my own evolution. I also took time to anticipate my future and where this life’s journey may take me on my next trip around the sun. As I was going through that exercise, I realized that I was creating my own “new year’s resolution”. Even though it wasn’t January, the typical time for resolutions, it was the beginning of another year for me. It sorta seemed appropriate to kick it off like that.

If you’ve read some of my January blogs, you know how I feel about resolutions. IF they work for you, I’m all about it. But frequently they don’t last and become an exercise in futility, a waste of time and who has time to waste? However, I do love the idea of adopting a theme or motivation for the new year. Perhaps picking a word that can become your point of focus. Historically, I’ve used “intention” or “perseverance” for example. A couple of weeks ago my daughter, after waiting patiently, got a tattoo of “Patience” (see what I did there) on her neck. She had been considering it for a while and thought it would be a helpful reminder to her to be…patient. Since she got it, it’s been amazing to see how often we hear or use that word. It’s like your awareness increases, which in this case is a good thing. Please note, I’m not advocating for you to get a tattoo reminder (unless you want to and if you do, we have a good family tattoo artist to whom I can refer you).

Even though I had selected a word for myself for 2022. I decided to choose a new word to be my focus for the next year of my life. I opted not to share my word just yet, but I will at the right time. And I’ve noticed more opportunities to demonstrate the characteristic of my word. The universe is always happy to respond and push you towards your higher goals. I can’t say I’ve been consistent in this endeavor since my implementation but as with all things it’s a work in progress. Blogging about it serves as a good reminder and a small measure of accountability.  

As the school year comes.to.a.close…(insert cheers here) I hope you head into your summer break with a determination to prioritize yourself and your own well-being. Perhaps you have some energy left to sit quietly and reflect on the last year. What went well? What was difficult? How are you better now because of those experiences? What have you learned? Are there new strategies you can attempt for the next year? Can you establish boundaries? Where and how can you set up those perimeters or guardrails to ensure you are protecting yourself? How can you better pace yourself? What are ideas for attending to your own well-being?

I’ve had some opportunities to work with a few districts at the end of this school year. Usually, I’m the busiest at the beginning of the school year providing workshops and professional development for educators around their own self-care and social emotional health. But this year, people are more aware and committed to prioritizing the well-being of their staff even before the end of the school year, knowing it will be the focus in the fall. It has been super encouraging!

So, as you take your hard-earned, well-deserved break, perhaps this could be a good opportunity to reflect on the past year and consider setting a resolution. Maybe you have one for over the summer, like sleep in or take a nap or read a book or go for a walk every day or all of the above. However, remember it’s ok to start small and in fact that’s probably an even better approach. Engage in behaviors that seem manageable but beneficial. Get into good habits that bolster your well-being, as they become second nature, you can take them with you into the new school year and until your next birthday.

Fighting for Peace

In addition to yet another horrific tragedy in Texas, the month of May also brought two personal losses in my family. Each one unique, but significant in their impact. As with any substantial loss, there is a wave of emotions. The experiences of grief are well documented and researched. There are different philosophies on how many stages there are and the process in which people cycle through and eventually come to a place of acceptance. My experience this month took me through several of those expressions, primarily denial/disbelief, bargaining, and anger. I camped out with the last two for an extended period of time (and still find myself there in various moments. Probably prompted by the ongoing mass shootings occurring in our country.)

If you follow my blogs regularly, you know I am a reflective person. I try to pay attention to ways the universe is working to help me evolve into a better version of myself. This past month, I’ve noticed the reoccurring theme of “acceptance”. It makes me think of the Serenity Prayer, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change”. UGH! That’s so hard! It is our human nature to want to ensure our safety, well-being, security, and happiness. Not unlike others, I really like to be able to control things that I want changed. I don’t want innocent lives to be taken via gun violence (or any violence). I don’t want to lose a friend unexpectedly (or even expectedly for that matter). I don’t want to feel responsible for hurting any living being. I don’t want to have unmet expectations. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want things to be harder than they need to be. Yet all of those things happened in May, and I couldn’t control them. It’s been emotionally taxing as I wrestle with each event and fight to get to a place of acceptance. I know things happen that we don’t want to happen. They can be painful things, and perhaps it’s pain we caused or pain we incurred. As a friend’s father would say “That’s life.” However, it’s hard to not be able to just wish it away but to have to sit in it. Face it, own it and accept it.

This past school year has been touted as “the most difficult one yet”. Educators I interact with frequently say how challenging it was and feel completely exhausted. Again, it’s hard to feel like things are happening to you and around you and you have no control. Staffing shortages, learning loss catch-up expectations, sporadic ongoing quarantining episodes along with increased student behavior concerns. It is draining! Yet so many educators inspired me with their resilience and their ability to surrender to what is, accept it, adjust, and proceed.

As May came to a close, I was afforded an opportunity to spend two days with cherished colleagues visiting schools who are “doing it right”. The staff established an environment that elevates positive school culture and climate and are reaping the fruit of their labor, including a decrease in behavior referrals and an increase in student engagement and achievement. Among numerous strategies they’ve implemented, I was thrilled to see the ways each administrator prioritized the well-being of their staff. I’m convinced that contributes to the success they are enjoying in those buildings. It helps to soften the blow when the hits keep coming, especially these last couple of years. To be enveloped in an atmosphere of intentional support, love, and admiration can only bring about positive outcomes.

As difficult as this month as been for me personally, it helped having the support of friends and family. Being able to share honestly and vulnerably with those whom I trust brought solace and reassurance. I also cherished quiet time alone to process, cry, fuss, be angry, journal, pray/meditate, walk, and feel all my feelings. I’ve realized that I will cycle through the feelings as I process them, they come and go. As my mom says, “Feelings can come in waves. Let them wash over you.” So, I allow myself to have moments of peace and then times of discord and angst without judgment knowing it’s all part of getting to acceptance or serenity. As with any difficult time, we can come out of those experiences stronger, more resilient, learning, and growing if we pay attention and permit that development to occur. I’m confident these experiences happened for a reason, to help me to continue in my self-exploration and evolution. That is my hope for any of you reading this, if there are things happening that make you feel helpless, hopeless, and/or out of control, join me in the commitment to sit with it, wrestle with it, but fight to get to acceptance. We will find serenity there.

Mother May I?

The weather is FINALLY breaking here in the Midwest, which brings all of us out of our hibernation. Adults are seen working in their yards while kids play nearby. During one of the sunny days, I overheard neighbor children playing “Mr. Fox” and “Mother May I?”. It was fun to hear them laughing and enjoying the outdoors. It brought back childhood memories of days when my sisters, friends, and I played the same games. It’s no surprise that I LOVED being “the Mother” and getting to control the other players actions in the game. “Yes, you may take 2 giant steps forward.” Or “No, you cannot.”  It also made me chuckle to myself as I thought, “if only motherhood were that easy”.

May is the time of year that we celebrate moms. The way they nurture, love, care, and sacrifice for us is like no other. There is no one on earth like moms. They want the best for us and regularly put our needs above their own. They motivate and push us to try again or attempt something new. They give us permission to be ourselves and believe in us when it seems no one else does, including ourselves. They are often our greatest source of support and biggest cheerleader. The truth is we would not be here without them.

Think of all the blessings you’ve received from your mother. And then, if you are a parent, think of all the ways you’ve given to your children. It is easy to care for and protect those we love, especially our offspring. Why is it then so difficult to do that for ourselves? (Maybe because we’ve expended all of our energy ON our children?!) Wouldn’t it be great if we could love ourselves the way we love our children and or other loved ones? It can be so natural to take care of other people. Often, it’s even our default mode. We automatically respond without even thinking. Being like that can be a wonderful attribute. Thinking of others and their needs is a blessing. However, if we aren’t careful, it can become all consuming and we end up inadvertently neglecting ourselves. Learning to find that balance is key. There will definitely be occasions that we have to take care of others, especially our dependent children (or as we get older sometimes a dependent parent). But my word of caution is that we also find ways to insert our own wellness efforts.

I was with a group of educators recently conducting a workshop on self-care. As usual, we were talking about prioritizing ourselves. We discussed how it can feel selfish to put our needs over others. As the dialogue continued, I gave them permission to love themselves first (the “L” in S.L.O.W.). It doesn’t come easy and absolutely requires practice. During the break one of the participants came up to me and shared how reassuring and helpful it was for her to get permission to take care of her own needs. We talked about the freedom we have to make choices for ourselves. AND that if or when those choices don’t necessarily pan out the way we would need them to we also have permission to make another choice for ourselves, until we are satisfied. We are allowed to change our minds or to adjust a previous decision. It is ok to fine-tune and revise until we connect with what will work best for us. Be patient with yourself as you evolve and learn to identify and meet your own needs (or communicate effectively with others who can help meet your needs too). Think of all the times your mother was patient with you, while you learned to tie your shoes or clean your room or make a sandwich or do your homework (the list is endless, isn’t it?).

As we head into the final stretch of this school year, think about choices you can make about ways to take care of you. Are there new boundaries you can establish? Are there things you can do to nurture your mind, body, spirit, soul? Can you say no to something? Can you say yes to something else? Can you be more gracious with yourself? It’s ok to start small, take those baby steps towards a healthier, happier you. One your mother would be proud of. Can you take 2 steps forward? Mother, May I? Yes, you can!

(And Happy Mother’s Day, mom! Thanks for being you and helping me to be me. Love you!)

It’s Worth It

A lot has happened in the last 30 days, which is why this blog is posted later than my usual “first of the month”. I bought a new home, sold an old home, and moved. (Each of those things is like a full-time job?!) Additionally, I continue to support my daughter through an ongoing personal challenge as we marked its year anniversary. And said good-bye to three people, whose departure impacted those close to me in varying degrees. Each of those situations offers an opportunity to reflect.

Going through all of my belongings to either purge or pack provided a chance to look back and reminisce on personal and professional happenings. It can be mind-blowing to realize how quickly time passes and the way that some things change, and some stay the same. It’s also enlightening to see the things that hold value. There are things we have kept because they possess special meaning or memories, even if it has been years since we’ve seen those items. Even if we have to dust them off, they still are treasured.

There was a similar sentiment at the service I attended for a close friend’s family member who passed away, as we looked at family pictures, old and new, denoting all the good times life offers. There were various awards and recognitions this person received over their lifetime.  They represent highlights all of the things that really matter in life, family, friends, and your impact on the world. Listening to people share about this person and the good they did for others was moving. Heartbreakingly, within the following 24 hours I got word that a friend from years ago, had also passed on. The comments about her were similar. Consistently everyone said the same thing about her, how kind, calm, and gracious she was in her spirit. She had had health issues for decades, as long as I had known her, and yet she was steady in her joy and peace. Her passing brought people together from across the country who hadn’t been together in years. Her life impacted so many other lives. Old friendships reconnected in her honor.

In both of those situations I thought that is how I want to live my life; leaving here knowing I left a mark on this world for good and while doing so, I was kind, calm, and gracious. I want to have the kind of impact that draws people together to celebrate my life and reconnect with one another at a heart-level.

Throughout my homebase transition this past month, I was determined to emulate that demeanor. I didn’t always feel kind, calm, and/or gracious. There were many times I was anxious, stressed and/or irritated but I really fought to be at peace, to keep perspective about what really matters. And those I talk to the most (which this past month was my realtor and loan officer HA!) confirmed I did ok. For the most part, I kept perspective and my composure. I’ll take that as a win.

So, what does this have to do with you? Are there things you can take away from this experience for your own self-care practice? There is no question that things are challenging right now for those in the field of education. Some of you may also feel like you have several full-time jobs (like I felt this past month). There are so many things to juggle, remember, deadlines and demands to meet. It can feel overwhelming. It IS overwhelming! But what really matters? What do you value most? Metaphorically, consider are there things you can pack or purge? As you make decisions about how to use your precious time, think about what will have the greatest impact for good and align with what you value. Are there things that can wait? Matter less? Someone else could do? You don’t have to do everything, and you absolutely don’t have to do it all right away. (That is something I keep telling myself as I put self-inflicted pressure to have my new place all put together “today”)

And then as you do those things consider the way in which you do them. Would people say you are kind, calm, and gracious? It can be difficult to maintain that persona especially when things are harried and hard. But in the end, a life well lived is worth it!